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2014 le Tour Trash Talk/Bashing/Love Fest

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:33 am
by Agent 86
Hey its Tour time and lets let it roll as per usual.

Re: 2014 le Tour Trash Talk/Bashing/Love Fest

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:45 am
by Agent 86
I'll start off with the Crashes.

On Stage 1 "The Manx Man Missile from the Isle of Man" loses control of his thrusters and heads toward Simon Gerrans instead of the finish line and hits the self destruct button to avoid collateral damage. Due to hitting the self destruct button The Manx Man takes himself out by forcing the missile straight into the ground.

Or, to honor past sprinter Djamolidine Abdoujaparov, Cav takes himself out in a crash after realizing he wasn't going to win. Dishonor before losing.

Re: 2014 le Tour Trash Talk/Bashing/Love Fest

PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:34 pm
by Agent 86
Oh WHAT, oh wait.

First yea Froome crashed out but no one's a fan of Froome so need to dwell, well more on that later.

So today we lose Contador "el Pistolero" from le Tour due to a crash or two, the bunch is still out counting on their fingers. Anyway, this is where once again the tin foil hats and conspiracy theories are ripe for well their theories.

Fact one!

Contador crashed on a seemingly simple descent where the peloton was all riding super safe (according to some riders, Horner, Greg VM, that Lotto guy, yea I forget the non obvious names) supposedly hit a pot hole trying to move up on the descent,which most thought was stupid (they didn't say that but I could see it in their faces), then again none of those guys ever won a tour so there is that fact or was it facts?


The missing broken bike! Much like our other popular conspiracy theory's we have something that's missing yet was seen by ... someone ... if not how did that factoid ever get out? Supposedly on crash number one Contador switched bikes with the sun of an ex-Tour de France winner Steven Roche (that is rather meaningless but much like all the other media we need to toss in a factoid to say we know what we're doing here) Nicholas Roche aka the rider who is of Irish-French descent so don't be too surprised when he speaks French and perfect unintelligible Irish English (more meaningless factoids) who is his teammate on Saxo-Bank (ditto). Then on the second crash on that same descent he had a bike exchange, yet when you see Contador getting patched up there's a bike in front of him or in front of him if he was heading down the road which he was not, the mechanic even grabbed said bike and once he looked it over placed it back on the ground as it was all black and obviously not a Saxo-Bank team issue crash broken Specialized bike mainly due to it being of the wrong paint job, I could not see the brand name although I would be 95% right if I said it was made in China (see a bike manufacturing factoid, I'm in with the cool kids fur sure, yes fur not for read it out loud making a kiss lips gesture). Back to the bike! This getting too long, dumb factoids! Where's the stinking broken bike? Well of course Specialized and Team Saxo-Bank representatives say there is no such broken bike that the mechanic was getting another spare bike ready as Contador had already broken... I mean crashed one bike and it was supposedly on the roof and the first backup bike was the one he had ready for him when he was getting patched up. Where did that second spare bike pop out of if all the bikes are on the roof, freaking roof mush have enough bikes for two teams and then there's the second car, if there is a second backup bike what the heck is it doing in the trunk? You're not going to believe the mechanic is going to assemble the bike in the car are you? If you do you've never built a bike, just torquing the BB (bottom bracket) is going to take some major leverage and we won't go into getting the cables all lined up and in place and the derailures all fine tuned, its a pin in the ass on a stand and he's going to do it in the car? No effing way. In addition, what do we expect the bike manufacture and team being given money to ride said bikes to say if the bike broke as anonymously and fact lacking on the spot report stated?

Conspiracy Theory:

1. Team Astana has been sucking butt all season and we all know Vino had ripped his team and especially Nibali a huge one month ago or so publicly.
2. Vino was known as a ruthless rider and would attack even his teammates on any given day and is maybe only the second GC rider to win on the final stage to Paris of le Tour de France, a stage typically reserved for sprinters (Bernard "the Badger" Hinault being the only one to win that stage while wearing the Yellow jersey, talk about kicking ass and leave lunch for his enemies, if that is not bad ass I don't know what is!)
3. Since stage 2 everything has gone Astana's way, well it actually started with Nibali winning the Italian Championships but the Team seems to be riding on a magic carpet on each stage whereas everyone else is riding over downtown Bagdad after a bombing raid, I'd of said Afghanistan but they don't really have roads or actually it would go better with mountain biking.
4. Vino's wheeling, dealing and connections (implying with mobsters due to him not being caught earlier for doping like the rest of the T-Mobile riders back in the day, sure he got caught but he got careless once he not only had to ride but be the owner and DS of Astana ((yes some names were hired to publicly say they were the DS and owner/leader but it was Vino all along)) in case I lost you) (is that enough brackets for you?)
5. Theroy: Vino is behind the scenes taking out all the GC contenders to give Nibali the win as there is no way one could ever imagine Nibali dominating le Tour like he is, do you believe he beat Sagan and Fabian on the cobbled stage? Do you believe he could of beat Contador, Froome on a climbing stage on Stage 2? The Schlecks well yea, they suck as of late. Most of the world had Nibali penciled in at 3rd place for le Tour 2014 then maybe 2nd after Froome was knocked off ... crashed out but now with Contador removed ... I mean crashed out he's been magic permanent markered in as the winner!

(note how I kicked the Schlecks there in the end, such easy targets!)

Re: 2014 le Tour Trash Talk/Bashing/Love Fest

PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:41 pm
by Agent 86
Cliff Notes Version (of above):

Vino is quietly and secretly taking out all the GC hopefuls so Nibali wins, note how they're keeping self proclaimed GC hopeful Bird Boy in the wings, in case Nibali backs out on giving Vino the winners trophy, you can never be to sure can you. Note II: Vino didn't take Andy Schleck out he knew he was better off not doing anything on that one. Note III: see no one tried to bridge up to Nibali today because they knew what would happen if they did.